Outsourcing

If all goes according to plan today, the Woman will be posting a tiny photo of my shocking countenance on this blog today. She is great!

The anticipation is killing me.

I should also have some links to blog that I read, usually daily.

We are also anticipating company of the grown-up variety this evening. We get to talk with adults tonight. We get to use sentences! We get to listen to comments that make sense while no one is hitting or grabbing anyone else.

YeeeHaw!

This afternoon is the last afternoon of concessions this fall! Woo hoo!

I talked to the softball coach earlier. He said that first base is still under water. The game might be canceled. Sometimes, softball games don't get made up.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!

I stayed up late last night watching Roman Polanski's documentary on Bob Dylan. I must confess that I liked it very much. Dylan is one seriously enigmatic and off-kilter personality. His songs speak to me in a way nothing else does. Polanski did a good job bringing Dylan's erratic, charismatic self to the small screen.

I've been singing to myself through my nose all morning.

I have a guest speaker next hour. She's from a local college and is here to talk about scholarships to the seniors. I have all seniors next hour.

Free day for me! Woo hoo!

I could wet myself in my excitement.

Every day I put a quote on my whiteboard. Sometimes it is funny. Sometimes it is profound. Sometimes it is only funny to me. Those are the ones I like best. Today's was: "Never mistake endurance for hospitality." -Unknown

I had to explain it to some of the desk monkeys. Now they are offended. They think I was referring to them. Did I put their names beside it? No. It's not addressed to anyone in particular. It's just a pithy observation.

Okay, I was thinking of them.

Living in Missouri has some advantages: we rarely get hurricanes. Having watched the horrible destruction and loss of life on the news since Katrina hit, I have become relatively grateful for our drought conditions. Rita's winds reached us some time last night, bringing with them a supply of unfamiliar pollens and spores. My sinuses are in outright rebellion. The pain is exquisite.

Waiting for the pressure in my head to pop my eyeballs right out. Won't that be pretty?

I don't have anything to post today, so this is my post that I don't have anything to post.

Welcome to the anti-post

Imagine this scenario:

Standing directly in front of the desk monkeys, I say, "You must put your name on your assignment to receive credit for doing it. No name, no credit. Any questions?"

No questions.

Next, I say, "Put your name on the top of the paper and pass it toward me. Make sure your name is at the top of the first page."

Later that day, monkeys who did not put their names on their work get zeros for the assignment. A week later I get ambushed during my prep hour by an angry monkey mom who accuses me of being "too harsh" in my requirement for names on assignments.

These monkeys are fifteen years old. Does this monkey not know his own name? He appears to be literate.

Teaching has completely destroyed my faith in democracy.

A sinus headache is slowly growing in the front of my cranium. I must destroy it with massive doses of decongestant and acetaminophen.

Die, headache! Die!

(Pounding head on desk)

Note: Pounding one's head on a desk does not make headaches better.

Finally, the pain in my neck from that nightmarish conference has faded. Now I have only the usual pain in the neck caused by my proximity to desk monkeys. The left arm still hurts a little, but is improving. I'm sure I feel better than the deer I hit last night. Actually, he's probably not feeling anything at this point. Now my car is a mess.

Ugh.

I have no idea how I'm going to pay for the repairs. Perhaps I need to sell a kidney.

Things I hear around the house on Sunday afternoons:

"Well, I think the frozen pizza tastes better when I cook it with the cardboard still under it."

For those not in the know, the Woman and I have two daughters: Chaos and Mayhem.

This week, Mayhem (the younger one) began participating in a newly developing fad at her elementary school.

Wait for it....

Pet hairballs.

I find this unspeakably gross.

apparently, the little girls are taking their own hair from their brushes and rolling it into smallish balls which they keep as pets. They are like chia pets without the inconvenient watering.

She has even made tiny furniture from paper and glue for the hairball to relax on.

Eeew.

For those not acquainted with the family, the Woman and I have two daughters: Chaos and Mayhem. This week, the younger one (Mayhem) began participating in a new fad at her elementary school: pet hairballs.

She and her friends take their own hair out of their brushes and roll it into a smallish ball, which they treat something like a pet rock or chia pet.

I find this unspeakably gross.

They even make tiny furniture from paper and glue for the hairballs.

I had a sub today. Woo hoo!

I had a meeting several miles away, so I had a sub watch my last three classes. Bless her. I drove in the car and listened to NPR. I bought a new watch. It goes "beep."

Happy happy, joy joy!

Oh poo!

Last year's test results are in and they are not good. They are so very not good that we had a long meeting after school yesterday. I am revising my lessons for the rest of the year to improve scores. On top of that, the state has decided to expand testing. My students, who were not supposed to be tested on English until next spring, are now going to be tested this year as well as next year.

Oh poo!

At least Monday is still pirate day.

The pain is slowly leaving my neck.

After about five days suffering under the tyranny of a pinched nerve in my neck, I am finally able to stand in a (relatively) normal posture. I'm also yelling at the desk monkeys less often. My left arm, though, still hurts a lot.

It sucks to be me.

Two of my desk monkeys have discovered that I am blogging. Even now they are searching the Internet for this very site. I can't tell them where it is because I intend to freely vent my spleen and they could figure out what I was venting about.

Good luck guys.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day is looming on the horizon– Sept. 19. I usually throw around a lot of pirate lingo (that I make up myself) and give the desk monkeys extra credit for wearing pirate costumes. Somehow, I need to work a piracy theme into a lesson on Japanese internment camps during World War II. We're reading a journal from the period.

The connection may be arrgh-tificial.

Our school has a new alarm on the sewage system. I'm not sure what that suggests, but I am sure we are All Perfectly Safe. The alarm is pretty cool, though. It has a big red light that flashes and an extremely loud buzzer.

I am at a loss for an explanation of what the alarm is supposed to indicate, but people in the bleachers for baseball games certainly do jump when it goes off in the seventh inning. The alarm and a very large manhole are only about 20 feet away.

One of my desk monkeys has taken to responding to the alarm by screaming, "The sewer is going to overflow! Everybody run!" Parents of the visiting team seem confused when this happens.

Sometimes I love my desk monkeys.

Today is Friday!

The kids go home at 3:27! Not that I'm counting!

Then I can really get some work done!

Wait....

Today is still Friday!

Woo hoo!

Still anticipating the game.

We get to play baseball and softball at the same time. I have one of my worst behavior problems penciled in as a volunteer to help sell junk food to the parents of players.

Still anticipating the frito pie.

Why does the state department of education require me to get two degrees and a professional license to sell hot dogs?

Labor Day is nearly over. Tomorrow I get to jump back into the midst of the crazed teens of the Ozarks and run a concession stand tomorrow evening.

Frito Pie for dinner again.

Mmmmm.

Howdy, and welcome to the blog. I hope you enjoy its spaciousness.